What Counts

Add about 30 lbs, and you're sort of close.

I conducted a bit of a social experiment the other day. I wore a short sweater dress, a black leather jacket, high heeled boots, and I let my sexy haircut fall just so.

I looked pretty damn good.

Now, I love dressing up and looking fine just for the sake of it, but on this particular day I was also paying close attention to how I was received in the world. I wanted to see what the effect of my outfit would be, and how different people would react to it. As it happened, I got a lot of comments like, “Have a nice day,” in a tone of which the underlying subtext was, “Damn, girl!”

Back it up.

I also got hit on in the traditional sense. A boy – I wouldn’t classify him as a man yet, though he was probably in his mid- to late-20s – approached me on the street. Upon reflection it’s probably significant that he didn’t actually come up to me, so much as behind me. I was vaguely aware of someone mumbling something, then surprised when I realized it was directed at me. I believe he said something like, “Excuse me, Miss, I like your style.” Even then, I didn’t realize he was talking to me until he made another comment about my outfit, and proceeded to engage me in conversation.

On the one hand, I appreciate that I was approached – I really do. For the most part, I like it when men take the initiative and talk to me. But I also noticed that as much as I appreciate attention, I, like many women, am sensitive to other people’s energy.

And his energy was anxious.

He was nervous. He kept looking down and around, his voice was higher-pitched than is probably its natural register, and he stumbled over a lot of his words, which made me feel sorry for him. I also found I started to breathe more shallowly, and feel my heart beat faster in a frantic sort of way. I wanted to help him relax. In fact, I wanted to help him relax in part because his stress was stressing me out.

Needless to say, I was not interested.

Her body language here clearly says, "I like you sooo much right now."

It is said that 80% of communication is non-verbal. What we say isn’t nearly as important as how we are – meaning how we feel internally – and this is expressed whether we wish it were or not. No matter what this boy said, I would have had that same uncomfortable, fluttery feeling. He did a lot of the “right” things – bold things, like inquiring, “So, may I ask, are you single?” (To me, this is a good question, because it lets me know the guy is interested in a straightforward way). But it also felt a little forced. 

He asked for my number twice and I declined twice, instead taking his (the “soft let-down”). And at the end of the interaction, as I crossed the street, he stared at me.

Hmm. You think she'll call?

I had the distinct feeling he was processing his disappointment, yes, but also evaluating the whole thing and why it hadn’t worked. I had the sense that he studied pickup, that I was a “9” or “10” on whatever scale he had in his head, and that he was practicing how to approach someone he thought was “out of his league.” Besides genuinely wanting to get to know me (which is a possibility), it felt to me like he was disappointed because since he hadn’t gotten my number, he hadn’t “closed” (or whatever the term is).

As I walked away, I couldn’t help but feel relieved. I hadn’t felt comfortable for most of the interaction, in fact I realized that in part I had viewed it as something to get through. It occurred to me that this was because most of it had felt like it was about him, despite the fact that it was ostensibly about me. In other words, I could tell that from the very beginning that I was less important to him than how I reacted to him. I could have been any woman in a leather jacket and high-heeled boots. And that didn’t feel good.

The truth is, there are no leagues. There is only how you feel about yourself and how relaxed you are. When both of these are high, you will have a lot of success with whomever you approach. But as soon as you start obsessing about whether you’re doing it right, whether she likes you, whether what you’re saying is funny enough or good enough, whether your hair looks OK, whether she thinks you’re too young (or too old), whether you’re good enough for her, whether you’ll think of the right thing to ask, whether whether whether … you’re screwed.

I’m not interested in how you feel about how you’re doing. I’m interested in a) who you actually are, and b) whether you’re actually noticing me in the moment.

My brilliant acting teacher, Tom Todoroff, often said that acting is “extreme relaxation under extraordinary circumstances.” In other words, even when there are bright lights shining on you, a thousand people staring at you, and a co-star or two counting on you to not fuck up, the only trick to success is to remain relaxed. In fact, due to what we now know of mirror neurons, the physiological truth is that the audience and your fellow actors – literally every other human being in your vicinity – will feel what you’re feeling to a greater or lesser extent. So if you are relaxed, comfortable, and focused, they will be relaxed, comfortable, and able to focus on your performance.

When I move you move... (just like that)

The same is true of approaching the opposite sex: having success talking to someone you’re attracted to is figuring out extreme relaxation under extraordinary circumstances.

Luckily, he also gave us a way to do this:

1) Breathe.
2) Take the attention off yourself.

First, breathe. Actually do this. Actually take a moment and get breath all the way down into your body. Feel the breath reach your feet on the ground. Feel your feet. Feel your heart, the rate of which has slowed by now. Your shoulders will relax. If you’re in the sun, you’ll notice you’re in the sun. If you’re tired, you’ll notice you’re tired. Breathing brings us back to ourselves and our bodies in the moment. It also makes us more attractive, because it’s literally more relaxing to be around someone who is breathing deeply.

Second, take the attention off yourself. Notice something about the other person or your surroundings. Notice three things. Take the attention off of your own drama and put it on someone else’s. Because when you stop thinking about yourself, you start showing up.

That's right, people. I'm officially a cougar.

The last guy I wanted to talk to was a waiter/busboy wearing a Boston Red Sox hat. I happen to also be a Red Sox fan, so I asked him why, in NYC, he was wearing it. I didn’t worry about whether my makeup looked perfect or my hair was OK or whether he’d think I was funny or any of the zillion other things. I took the attention off myself. I could also have asked him whether he thought the restaurant lived up to its hype, or whether he liked working there. It didn’t matter; I was relaxed and interested in him, not how I was coming across. The rest is details.

The last guy who picked me up cold did so at a café, after noticing that I was trying not to laugh at part of his conversation with another girl across the way. He turned to me and said (in a friendly way), “I’m glad you find us so entertaining; is there anything else we can do to amuse you?” He noticed me, and he didn’t worry about how he’d come across. He was relaxed.

Books on pickup and the art of attraction and seduction and all the rest of it often focus on what to do, what to say, how to act. But the truth is much simpler, and more complex at the same time:

It really is what’s inside that counts.