Things I Wish I’d Said to Men

So I often profess the virtues of truth in dating. But when I was discussing certain recent encounters with men this week with a close friend, I realized there were a number of things I’d either withheld for some reason (like thinking it’d sound hurtful or bad), or simply not gotten together to say in the moment.

So to the men to whom I didn’t actually say something, here goes (names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent):

Frank: There was no way you could have known this, but at the time that I met you I needed to get laid. In the worst way. And after a number of mishaps that will at some point be chronicled, I met you. I meant what I said when we were making out: “There’s nothing I’d rather being doing right in this moment.”

The thing is, what I really wanted to continue with was full sex. You can imagine my chagrin, then, when we moved from the roof to my room, I mentioned condoms, and you said, “Actually, Vixen [my real name went there], I really like you and I want to go slow. I want to get to know you.”

Take a wild guess as to which I am...

What I believe I actually said was a rather shocked, “Oh! … OK.” What I should have said was: “Listen, I totally get that and respect it. And just so you have all the relevant information here, I have to tell you: I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m leaving the city for the summer imminently, and what I actually want is just a connection right now, in this moment. So … I’m not really interested in having a longer-term relationship with you, but I would love to have sex with you right now.”

Instead we spent rather a chaste night together and I think you were a little surprised when I gave you a somewhat perfunctory goodbye in the morning and never called you. I’m sorry – I should have just told you what was really going on.

Who WOULDN'T want to be caught in the middle if the sides looked like this?

RJ: “Listen, I just have to let you know something: I’m in kind of a gray area with that guy that introduced us. He and I haven’t made anything official yet, but I’d feel weird about going out with you romantically while things are unsettled with him. Can we just hang out as friends? You are down-to-earth and fun to be around so I’d like to actually see you, just not like that.”

Kenan: “Dude, I get that you’re freaked out that I’m going to tell your girlfriend that we hooked up, but RELAX. I’m not looking to ruin your life, and the way you practically hyperventilate every time I come around the two of you is getting old. I get stressed out just looking at your not-even-subtle apoplexy. Give me a little credit and get over yourself. Oh yeah, and TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND about how it’s clearly not working. You probably should have done that a year ago, but now it’s really time. Seriously.”

He be like, "Whaaaa ... " and she be like "Wtf .... ?"

Nelson: “What is going on with you? I honestly don’t get it. We talk, we hang out, we get along, but when I tried to kiss you, you backed away like it was a genuine affront! Why did you come over if not for that, and what is the deal? Is it a religious thing? Do you just not want to date right now? Is it that you don’t want to date me at all? I would be a little offended about that but it wouldn’t crush me, and it would be really great to just KNOW. I’m in the dark here, please enlighten me.” [Note: I never did talk to this person about it, and I remain perplexed as to what went on there!]

Trey: “I find you incredibly fun to talk to and I love hanging out with you. You’re funny and clever and I like that you tend to say whatever’s on your mind without editing – it’s both endearing and exceedingly entertaining. And I can feel that you would be open to something more from this relationship – that you’d be interested in dating me. I have to tell you that I’m just not there with you. I just wanted to be clear about that because in your position, I’d want to know, and I don’t want things to get confusing because I do like you quite a bit. I apologize if this came a little out of left field, but it’s been on my mind and I wanted to clear the air.”

Great. Now I just have to grow a pair and actually say these things in person.

Seriously though, just to prove that I don’t just suck at this all the time, here’s one that actually did happen and I did actually communicate with, in … well, somewhat realtime:

I don't think he was just checking out the fish, if you know what I mean...

I was once asked out by a boy in Hawai’i when I worked on a dolphin cruise. We anchored at the same spot every day and swam, and he literally asked me out in the water. He wasn’t one of our tourists, he just happened to be swimming at that spot, and I was so surprised by his confidence and creativity (he had to memorize my number because clearly he wasn’t going to be writing it down), I said yes. This was despite the fact that I wasn’t particularly attracted to him.

I subsequently did the cowardly dodging phone calls thing, until one evening as I was dodging yet again, I realized I was being a bitch. (Randomly, the following took place at the world premiere of Lost, which was held at a big screen outside at Waikiki beach at sunset). Just as the show was about to start, I got another text from him and realized that instead of coming up with another excuse, I needed to just come clean.

My heart beat like a drum as I jumped down onto the sand from the seawall and waited for him to pick up. When he did, I said, “Listen, I feel bad about this but I wanted to be honest: I’m not actually interested in you romantically. I never told you that, in fact I kind of avoided saying it. But if I were you, I’d want to know, so I’m telling you. I’m sorry.”

I bit my lip, waiting for him to ream me out and tell me I was an awful person and was going to rot in hell. Instead, he thought about it for a moment and then said, “I mean I guess I could tell something was up, I just wasn’t sure what.” Pause. “I’m disappointed … but I understand. It also woulda been nice if you’d just told me earlier.” Relieved, I agreed. Then he said he appreciated the honesty and we agreed to stay friends.

When I climbed back up the seawall I felt lighter. Gone was the niggling sensation that I wasn’t being fair or true or myself – not to mention someone else. Instead I felt like I’d done the mature thing, and had been acknowledged for it.

Shouldn't we be past the "talk to the hand" approach by now?

The truth is that many women (myself included) fool themselves into believing that rather than ‘rejecting’ a man up front, it’s better to use a back-door, go-around method. These include giving your number but never calling/texting back; calling/texting back but always being “busy”; actually allowing a date to be set up and going out on it but ducking the kiss/move at the end; or even allowing the kiss/move without mentioning that you’re still, in fact, not interested.

The other truth is that it really is incredibly hard to say, “I’m not interested.” There’s guilt and fear to contend with. There’s the fear they’ll want to somehow get back at you, lash out at you in some way. There’s the guilt that inevitably comes from knowing someone likes you ‘like that’ and you don’t return the sentiment.

But in the end, the most respectful and humane thing to do is just get over yourself and say it, whatever ‘it’ is.

If you figure out how to do that in the moment without choking, let me know.