Quest to Get Laid Part Deuxxx

In case you missed it, a few weeks back I was on a definitive quest to get laid, so I posted a straightforward yet apparently intoxicatingly scintillating ad on Craigslists’s Casual Encounters section, which produced monumental results.

In a stunning twist of fate, however, I quickly learned that all was not politeness and chivalry in the land of those responding to such an ad.

I know.

Shocking.

But while some might say that the likelihood is that the majority of feedback one would get from a casual sex ad would be nasty and/or ‘inappropriate,’ I actually found the opposite to be the case. There were a lot of sweet, well-meaning men who wrote back to me, to whom for a variety of reasons I chose not to respond. But my overwhelming sense was one of appreciation for all the people that really do just want good, quality, sexual connection. They’re not looking for something nasty or kinky or over the top, they just want sex.

As did I.

So I made my categories, and in the ‘definite potential’ category. one guy in particular caught my attention.

Local boys are no ka oi!

A former minor league baseball player, he looked a lot like the local boys back home from Hawai’i. I liked that. The only thing that gave me pause was the fact that in his response, he said, “You won’t find better than me, I’m quite confident of that.”

OK, so he was a little cocky. But in my response to him, I told him I wasn’t that into the cockiness thing, and he didn’t get defensive, so I took that as a good sign.

At some point I asked for his #, because I was going to be out later and wanted to possibly get in touch. (I’m safe about all of this, btw – I meet the person in a public place first, I take them back to my place (not theirs), and I tell a roommate/friend what’s going on at all times). Then at some point he texted:

“I’m in a really dominant mood tonight.”

OK, fine. Not a HUGE turnon, but made sense given my ad. I responded with something noncommittal. He then texted:

“You should tease me a little by telling me what you’ll wear tonight.”

Um. OK. At this point I was definitely lukewarm on this guy but couldn’t place exactly why. It then occurred to me that I DON’T actually like being told what to do unless I already trust the person… and I didn’t know him yet. I said:

“Dunno. Rest assured something short.”

He replied:

“You sound like my kind of girl. Aside from the no blowjobs thing. Lol.”

Wait. That pissed me off. First of all, I’m a little sensitive about the issue of oral sex because I like to receive it but I don’t like to give it. Hence I was straight up about it in my ad and why I’m always sure to inform my sexual partners that this is the case. My worst nightmare is for someone to go down on me and then for them to get resentful and angry when I say, “Yeah … I don’t do that.”

So to have this guy – who I’d never met – giving me crap about not giving BJs was really annoying, since I was up front about it. I don’t mind if you’re into blowjobs. I mind if I state it up front and then you act surprised or like I ‘should’ give you one. I believe this picture pretty much captures my feelings on that.

Unsure of HOW to address my perturbance without coming across as angry and/or bitter, I again replied with something noncommittal. I decided I could always meet up with this kid and decide in person. Essentially I wanted to give him another chance.

Wine you will now never be drinking with me...

We proceeded to go back and forth about timing, ending with me saying:

“Listen, I’m really stressed out w show I’m producing plus packing & moving out & other stuff so can you come here? There’s a wine bar around corner we can meet at.”

To which he replied (!):

“Thats fair. Since ive been patient, and would be coming out to you, how bout you buy me a glass or two of wine.”

Sure, that sounds … wait, WHAT?!?

FIRST of all, you don’t live in the Heights or the middle of Brooklyn, you live in fricking Astoria on the N/R, which means your subway ride to me would be like 20 min tops, so don’t try to guilt me about how far you’re coming (plus how irritating is that, to try to guilt the person you’re about to have sex with?!).

Second, what the hell do you mean by ‘since ive been patient.’ Patient about what exactly? And if you want a blow job, WHY DID YOU WRITE BACK TO A GIRL WHO STATED UP FRONT THAT SHE DIDN’T GIVE THEM? Seriously, I don’t get it.

Even the guy wearing a Dungeons & Dragons knows how to throw down, dude...

THIRD, how tacky can you get?! You’re about to get laid by a beautiful, fun girl who has already told you she’s stressed out. So in meeting up with her the first thing you think of to say is that SHE should buy the wine?

Really?

REALLY?

I reflected upon this for ABOUT A NANOSECOND and then added up everything that had come before. 1) He’s cocky (and not in the good way). 2) He’s a guilt-tripper. 3) He’s cheap. 4) when I check in with my body, I find the idea of even touching this guy repellent.

Ding ding! You win the prize: rejection.

I thought for a moment and decided it was best just to be straightforward. I didn’t even apologize (a tendency I have to suppress, as many women do), and instead simply stated the truth: “You know what, this isn’t going to work. I don’t feel good about this. Goodbye.”

To which he said:

“Oh come on thats not fair.” [btw, learn to use some frigging apostrophes] “I was just joking about the paying, and i think ive been quite nice.”

Really. You think you’ve been ‘quite nice.’ I can think of a few other adjectives. ‘Douche-y’ comes to mind. So does ‘entitled,’ ‘unaware,’ ‘inexperienced,’ and ‘grammatically incompetent.’ Add to this, ‘completely clueless about how to treat a woman well,’ and you are TOTALLY disqualified.

 

Finally – I can’t even begin to describe how much it irks me when someone tries to hide behind ‘I was just joking.’ You know what? I’m pretty goddamn smart. I can tell when someone’s joking and when they’re not. And ‘pretending’ to be joking is just a cowardly way of taking away someone’s ability to have an actual dialogue with you about how you actually feel.

Feeling held is one of life's highlights.

How am I supposed to trust you if I can’t trust that you’ll say what you mean, not just whatever’s expedient in that moment? Stand behind what you say or don’t say it. Plus I know that that was a definite request to have me pay for you, and not to go with gender stereotypes TOO much, but I gotta say that it really does feel good when a guy treats me. I truly don’t mind going dutch, AND I like guys who enjoy treating me. I always trade off (get the next round) but there is something satisfying about someone else taking care of the bill. I feel held. I feel taken care of. I feel, well, treated.

At any rate, after my take-no-prisoners response, he texted me one or two more equally lame rejoinders. Then I believe he really got that I wasn’t writing back. Ever. And yet a week later he emailed again, as if I would respond.

Nope.

I love sex AND I have standards. And I’m never going to fuck ANYONE who I don’t feel safe with or who doesn’t respect me or women in general. I go for hot, loving, respectful, polite, wonderful, fuckable guys, of which there are PLENTY.

In fact, I do believe I spy some in the “definite potential” category … excuse me while I peruse.