How to be Sexier (for Ladies)

Funny thing about the word “sexy” – it includes the word “sex.”

It’s hard to be sexy without having a relationship with sex. In fact, how you feel about sex, whether you want it, whether you have it, how you judge yourself for wanting and/or having it, and whether it has historically been a safe place for you, and are all related to your sex appeal.

The path to becoming more sexy lies in feeling your sex. You – your own sexuality – must be felt in order to be truly sexy. In other words, you must feel it. Your sexuality and your sex appeal are inextricably linked.

This is me!

I consistently get the feedback that I’m sexy, and it’s not because of my physical appearance. Yes, I have an acceptably attractive body and face, but I’m not that objectively hot. I believe that those who tell me I’m sexy aren’t responding to how I look, even if they consciously believe that’s why. They’re responding to how I feel. How I feel about myself, how I feel about my own sexuality, how I feel about sex in general, and how I feel about the sexuality inherent in others.

I’m sexy because I like sex, and I like my own sex.

It’s no coincidence, then, that I have put a lot of energy into developing my sexuality. I’m a sexuality educator. I think about it, read about it, ask about it, and talk about it. And the places in our lives in which we put the most effort and attention tend to be the places that grow and thrive. Those that are constantly thinking about work, business, and finances tend to have robust work, business, and finances. It is what consumes their thoughts; it is what pleases them (or drives them, which is not always the same thing).

Don't worry, only dogs have this view... and maybe little people.

I think about my sex and sexuality. I place importance upon it. When I feel like touching myself, I do, and I don’t shame myself for it. I’m comfortable watching pornography. I wear short skirts and high heels and I like how the breeze feels under there. When I’m having sex, I react. I allow myself to feel. I’m present, not thinking. I don’t worry about what I look like in this position, or whether my hair is going to get messed up, or what he’ll think if I move in a certain way to get myself off (hint: he’ll think it’s awesome).

Ladies: if you want to become more sexy, you must put attention on your sex.

That means prioritizing it. It was a revelation the day I actually realized what prioritizing means. It means choosing one thing over another. That is, instead of washing the dishes right now, I’m going to dance to this song on the radio in a way that makes me blush – and watch myself in the mirror as I do so. Instead of being exactly on time to pick up the kids, I’m going to go upstairs for a quickie with myself.

 

Because someone had to anime-fetishize the Starbucks siren...

Instead of writing this work memo (or blog entry), I’m going to indulge in my fantasy about that hot Starbucks barrista doing me in the backroom with the door unlocked. Instead of going over my grocery list in my head on the train, I’m going to subway-flirt with the guy across from me and press up against him when I get off (pun intended).

So if you want to become sexier, here is your homework: feel your turn-on.

Just feel it. You don’t even have to do anything about it, so to speak (although doing something is obviously encouraged, as well!). Just feeling it is enough, and enough practice for many women. Many women have the tendency of pushing it back or away or repressing it, either because they’re embarrassed and don’t think it’s ‘appropriate,’ or because they don’t think they have the time to ‘indulge.’

Don't turn into the female version of this!

But it’s not indulging. It’s keeping yourself sexually healthy, vibrant and alive. Your sexuality is a source of power, and it is a source of energy. You take vitamins, you exercise, and you brush your teeth. Physiologically, sex is healthy – whether it’s with someone or whether you’re flying solo. And the more fun you have in your life, the more sensual you allow yourself to be, the more fun you are to be around, and the more attractive you become. Naturally.

She's gettin' the hang of it...

So this week, when you walk past a poster of a hot guy and have a split-second image of what it would be like if he pressed you up against your dryer in your laundry room, go with it! Don’t shut down the thought; don’t assume that it’s less important than work. Your sexuality feeds you, and it deserves equally as much attention as other aspects of your life. Think of it as taking your sexuality vitamins.

And I’m telling you, once you put attention on it, you will see a difference both in how you feel and in how others react to you. Because as you walk down the street fantastizing about that poster boy, I guarantee that at some point you’ll have a smile on your face, and it will be a naughty one, and people will notice. And you know what they’ll think as you pass them by?

“Damn, what was it about that woman? She was sexy.”