Turn Me On: How to be Sexier (for Gents) Part II

In case you missed it, the first thing that makes a man sexy is his ability to pay attention. To me. Does he notice who I am and what’s going on for me right now, in the moment? If he can tell I’m not into him, does he let it go? And if it’s going well, does he escalate it?

The second thing (and by the way there’s no order of operations here – to be truly sexy, you have to embody all three of these characteristics) is the same thing as what it takes for women to be sexy: his relationship with his own sexuality.

Most people assume that men rarely lack a sexual connection with themselves. They usually masturbate frequently and are pretty aware of what turns them on. It’s also culturally “OK” for them to want sex – in fact, supposedly it’s encouraged. They also don’t contend with the ‘slut’ label, as many women do (even if it’s just in their own heads).

However, men do have to contend with a biggie: shame.

I can't believe that ceylon caught us checking her out ... oh wait, this isn't the Galactica? My bad.

I notice that a lot of the sexually/relationally frustrated men with whom I work feel shame around their sex, even if they aren’t aware of it. Most prevalently, they’re ashamed or afraid of being labeled an asshole or player. One man even mentioned seeing the looks that other men get from women when they catcall, and said that he tries to avoid that circumstance at all costs.

The thing is, you kinda have to be willing to get those kind of looks if you want to be sexy as a man. Not all women are right with their own sexuality, and not all of them are going to be OK with yours. HOWEVER, if you want to be truly sexy to women who are open, you have to own your sex regardless of how it’s received by every single woman. You’re never going to be appealing to everyone, so stop trying. It’s a lost cause.

And the truth is, shame around sexuality is the number one way to kill attraction. So ironically, men who are ashamed of their sex don’t get what they want, which is to be looked upon as sexually desirable by women. Because the less you acknowledge and allow for that animalistic side that just wants to spread her legs, the less she’s going to be able to feel you as a sexual being.

On a very basic level, American society, religion, and culture shames men for their sexuality in many ways. At home, how many mothers don’t freak out when they discover their son’s pornography stash? How many religions teach that sexuality is a holy part of you, a part that deserves honor and respect? How many men can be truly open with their female friends about how much they just want to fuck, all the time? How many women roll their eyes when men gawk at someone walking down the street?

 

 

In subtle and obvious ways, male desire is often vilified, and this is not to say that sometimes men aren’t villains. Sexual assault is a reality, and one most often perpetuated by men.

However, the truth is that masculine desire can also be a healthy part of men, and it is depressing to think that there are men who truly believe that part of themselves is not OK. In fact, it seems to me that we are facing epidemic proportions of men who deep down believe that their sexuality is a bad part of them, that it isn’t acceptable in some way.

As a woman, when I’m in the physical presence of a man who is turned on by me, I have a distinctly different experience based on his relationship with his own sexuality. Similar to women, the more aware he is of his own sexuality, in tune with it, and able to own and appreciate it, the sexier he is. There are essentially three iterations I experience on a regular basis:

1) If a man is ashamed of his own sex, I usually just feel nothing. Nothing sexual, that is. I feel asexual or simply not turned on, not activated. Sometimes I feel like he’s hiding something, like I can’t quite get a read on him. Depending on his anxiety level, I sometimes feel anxious in my body, which can make me want to get away from him. Almost always, I “just want to be friends” with him. I’m never turned on.

How not to do it.

2) If a man is unashamed of his sex drive but untrained in how to use it, so to speak, I may feel threatened. For example, the guy across from me in the subway car that stares unabashedly but also looks like he could be a serial killer (just happened to me yesterday for the second day running!). This is likely what many men are afraid of – coming across as creepy or hyper-sexual. Again, the only thing I can say is that you have to be willing to risk that label if you want to truly own your sex (and therefore consistently turn women on).

3) A man unashamed of his sex and trained in it, meaning he knows how to fully feel it within himself and control it, makes me feel happy, desired, and many times, turned on. Sometimes I feel my heart beat faster. These are the types of men that look directly into my eyes and then smile a little, without looking away or looking down. These are the men that have a relationship with their own sexuality.

The point isn’t that you’re going to go out and sexually assault someone. The point is that you truly own your desire within yourself, that you are familiar with that part of you, and that you give it room to exist. If when you’re turned on you don’t shut it down or hide it (as I see many  men do), you will naturally be sexy – you won’t have to try to do anything or get anywhere or be anyone other than who you are. You will be owning that part of you that is strong, pure, and forthright: your sex. A large part of what makes men sexy is the raw, passionate, alive, MASCULINE part of them. The full spectrum of male sexuality includes that desire to just fuck someone’s brains out. As a woman, if I sense that that desire is completely repressed or absent, I feel that lack. It’s not that I want to be totally objectified, but I want to be noticed as a sexual being. Male desire for me often ignites my own, and I appreciate it.

Your unabashed masculine sexuality is the part of you that electrifies the feminine. It is what makes her shiver, makes her nervous (in a good way), and ultimately makes her moan.

That part of you isn’t shameful – it is sacred.

And sexy as fuck.