I need to get laid.

Please God, let this be me. Soon.

Seriously, I need sex and I need it soon. I’m in a drought like you wouldn’t believe. It’s arid, people. Arid.

 

Now, part of the problem is that I’m picky. I don’t just want sex. I want GOOD sex.

 

How do I tell him this is doing nothing for me?

This can, unfortunately, limit the playing field. Currently, my two choices are: 1) an incredibly kind, emotionally available boy who says all the right things but isn’t a good kisser (big problem).

Wait, what am I doing here again?

 

Or 2) a boy I used to see on and off who’s great in bed but doesn’t really know how to be present and interested in my life. I notice that I end up feeling empty after spending time with the latter, which does NOT feel nourishing. So either I’m left unfulfilled physically or emotionally – and I don’t want that.

Instead I want it all, which is why I’m considering the most dangerous of all sexcapades, some would argue even more dangerous than the unprotected variety.

 

Oh yes, we’re talking about Ex Sex.

 

Ex Sex. There are some pretty compelling reasons not to do it. Like, for example, the fact that it could lead to the heartbreak that you already went through, all over again.

Also, one or both of you could be seeing other people, and ex sex could potentially ruin what would otherwise be a good thing for you. Or you could stupidly have unprotected ex sex out of habit, when you should really be using protection because a) duh, you should always use protection and b) one or both of you have had sex since then, which brings us back to (a). Finally, there is the ever-present danger of getting reattached to the person, much like a heroin addict that finally kicked the habit only to get re-hooked to what destroyed her life in the first place.

OK, fine, but then there are all the OTHER reasons TO do it.*

*here the use of the word “reasons” may be better more aptly termed “excuses”

Shh, baby, shh.

Like, for example, the illicitness of it. You are broken up. Whether for days or weeks or months or even years, the idea is that you are no longer a couple, which makes sex with the person somehow … naughty. You both know you’re not supposed to be doing it, which gives it that same thrill that you used to have before you were a couple, or at least when you had to do it under wraps when you were at one of your parents’ houses in sneaky stealth mode. Hot.

Plus, there is something comforting and soothing about sex with someone you really know and who knows you. You can be yourself.

Remember that time that librarian caught us? ©2006 Wazari

You don’t have to hold in your tummy (they’ve seen it all). You can keep the lights on, you can start by groping them in the middle of a movie theater and not fear that they’ll think you are an out-of-control vixen (more on this later, ladies). Which makes sex with the person somehow … nice.

Naughty AND nice? No wonder it’s so irresistible.

However, irresistible is almost always inextricably linked with problematic, and that is what my current situation feels like: problematic.

It’s problematic in part because I don’t have very many exes. This is largely because I’m more casual when it comes to relating. I don’t have ‘boyfriends,’ I have ‘friends,’ or men I fuck and then move on from (I often literally move – as in, from country to country, or across a country).
 

Sabes quien eres. Si estás leyendo, te mando un besito 😉

Interestingly, while I’ve slept with A LOT of men, I’ve never had a ‘classic’ one-night stand, because I’ve always kept in touch with the person even if I rarely if ever see them again. For example, five years ago I spent a single memorable evening with a Spaniard (in his car!) when I was moving back to the States the next day. We’ve kept in limited contact since then and he will probably visit me when he comes to New York this spring.

It’s actually a beautiful feeling, because it reminds me that just because a connection is ephemeral doesn’t mean it’s not genuine. There really are moments in our lives that are meant to be just that: moments. Even though these starry nights under Italian or Costa Rican skies weren’t lasting, they were real, and I’m glad they’re part of my I’m glad they’re part of my life experience.

But I digress. The point is, I have very few “real” exes, so the ones that I have “mean” more. There’s a boy I dated for about a month while working at Club Med, but a month Club Med time is like 6 months real world time. As it turned out, he was somewhat of an emotional asshole and there’s no way I’d sleep with him again no matter HOW hard he chased me. No Ex Sex there.

I remember this bra …

Then there’s the aforementioned good-in-bed-but-I-feel-empty-after-I-see-him boy, who I saw on and off for a few months about a year ago. As it turns out, I actually DID have Ex Sex with him a few months ago, which turned out quite well. I had just run a very large event for which I was stressed and anxious, and since he hung around afterwards I ended up taking him home. It was the PERFECT way to come down from the evening, plus it was surprisingly intimate and easy. There were no expectations the next day, no hurt feelings, no nothing: it was just good, clean, Ex Sex.

But while I sort of count him as my ex, the truth is we were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend and our relationship was comprised almost solely of this type of casual encounter. This all brings us back to the fact that in essence, I have only one REAL ex, who I was with for two years and who unfortunately remains the best sex I’ve ever had.

 

This is particularly annoying because I have a lot of sex, so it’s not like I can say I’ve only ever slept with three people, so how can I possibly know that this guy really is special? Nope, this guy really IS special. He is my kryptonite.

Please let this be me. Don’t let this be me. What?

However, as is often the case, our hot sex did not a relationship make. We really didn’t work as a couple, actually. There was a period of several months when I cried literally every single day because of him (and my own baggage – but some of it was definitely him). We also did the break up, get back together thing not once but twice, in each case precipitated by – you guessed it! really good sex.

This means that in reality, I’ve only had Ex Sex twice, and I’ve gotten back together with the person both times.

Not a good track record if one’s goal is simply to have great sex with someone with whom one has amazing chemistry and then forget about it, which is really what I’m looking for.

 

 

So I really shouldn’t do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I really need to get laid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I really shouldn’t do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or should I?