Goodmouthing

No, this entry doesn’t refer to oral sex (oh, I’m sorry, maybe your mind isn’t as one-track as mine). Don’t worry, though, that issue will be addressed soon enough – and in sufficient depth to leave you with VERY few questions about my stance on it.

Nope, this is about boyfriends and girlfriends. Specifically, how we talk about our boyfriends to our girlfriends, which is, most of the time, negatively.

Now, guys, don’t get the wrong idea. We don’t do this deliberately. It’s more like whenever we get together and the subject of relationships comes up (ha, as if we ever spend time talking about something else), we tend to focus on the problems, not the positives. You know, “Well, he’s really sweet, but he can’t always keep it up.” Or, “I mean, it’s good, but the other day when my ex texted and I told him who it was, he got all weird but then denied he was being weird, so then it was just awkward.” Etc.

Oh no he DI'in't!

The point is, amongst ourselves, we women work through relationship issues by bringing them up and airing them out. This is good, in a way, because it’s usually what the woman really needs to process. For example, I’m usually the one my friends call for sex advice (I am very good at this) or relationship advice (good at dispensing this; not so good at following it). Thus I often receive the midnight phone call from the girlfriend desperately crying about the latest traumatic fight.

I don’t mind this at all – it’s something we all go through and I’m happy to serve that role for one of my friends (God knows I’ve needed it filled for me in the past). But I’ve also realized that this gives me – and I’m sure a lot of you ladies out there – a skewed perspective on the relationships of my friends. Because I don’t really hear about the sweet moments, the cute cuddles, the killer footrubs, or the time he wrote her mom a card for her birthday, completely unprompted. OK, sometimes I do, but it’s rare.

He did what? With his WHAT?

Instead, I tend to hear the one awful thing he said or did in the course of their year-and-a-half relationship, or the one conspicuous thing he didn’t say. Add this up over time – let’s say she even just calls me three times in tears, and I may potentially look upon their relationship in a negative light. After all, what’s going to be more memorable: her saying, “No, really, he’s good for me!” or her spending an hour rehashing their fight during which he truly did act like an immature buffoon?

Yeah, I know it's not cheese but it's the best I could come up with.

I did, however, have one recent experience that belies this. While discussing this topic with a few girlfriends, my friend Maria (the only one of us in a relationship) said, “Well, can I share with you ladies something cute that Julio does?” (eager acquiescence) *titter* Well, sometimes when I’m taking a shower and he’s prepping dinner, he’ll come in and peek around the shower curtain and … well, feed me cheese.”

[Pause while all the ladies in the house go, “Awwwwww.”]

 

Granted this is a little strange, which is probably why she was hesitant to tell us, but her boyfriend was Argentinean, and the Argentines are nearly as fanatical about cheese as the French.

What struck me personally as so adorable about the story wasn’t so much that he thought of her in the shower and wanted to bring her something to show that he cared about her, but the idea that he was just so excited about a specific cheese that he simply couldn’t wait until she was all dried off for her to try it. She had to taste it right then! He had to bring it to her right then!

It is perhaps the fact that this is the exception to the rule that it sticks out in my mind. And in reality, I believe it is not so much that we don’t want to share the triumphs and sweet, romantic things our partners do for us; I believe the truth is a bit more insidious. I think we make ourselves small for our girlfriends.

All tied up ... and not in that good way.

Yes, I think we are trained subconsciously to be small and not rock the boat by sharing overly awesome things that happen to us (especially if we can take full credit for them), so as not to make anyone … *dun dun dun* … jealous.

Oooh, there it is. The J word. That thing that has haunted us since elementary school, when Susie stopped talking to us because Brett liked us better (as evidenced by how often he pulled our pigtails). Jealous! How we don’t talk about how big of a raise we just received, because we know our girlfriend is still struggling financially. Jealous! How we don’t share the latest man that tried to get in our pants because our friend hasn’t gotten laid in God knows how long.

Seriously, you guys, I'm ... I'm right here!

There are a thousand ways we mute our own colors or dim our own radiance to ‘protect’ those around us, which in essence is protecting ourselves. We don’t want to be attacked or blamed for our own successes, so we often don’t share – and don’t even realize we’re doing it.

So let’s share. It doesn’t serve anyone for us not to shine as brightly as we are capable of. We are all exquisite in some ways and ugly in others – let’s just embrace that fact and allow our inner light to come forth as easily as we admit to our darkness.

 

The next time you feel yourself holding back from someone, you can even name that feeling before you share:

Whee! Self-expression!

“Listen, I realized that I was about to not tell you something because I was afraid you’d be jealous, but I want to respect our friendship and the fact that I know you’re strong enough to handle it. Plus I’m just really excited about it and you’re my friend and I want you to know!”

Yeah, we're talking about you! Maybe even blogging about you...

And of course, within the sphere of romantic relationships I’m sure that men would appreciate being appreciated instead of denigrated around the girlfriends-only dinner table.

So here’s to honesty on both sides of the coin – sharing when it sucks and when it’s going well.

Because love and relationships are like duct tape: they have a light side, they have a dark side, and they hold the universe together.