I have something to say to all the gents out there on behalf of all of the ladies. I really want you to hear this one because it’s important, it’s ubiquitous, and it’s irritating as all get out:
RESPOND.
When we say something to you whether by text, voicemail, email, or in person, please say something back. Anything. Seriously. It almost doesn’t even matter what (almost). Just return the favor. Write back. Answer us.
Why is this so important? Because not being responded to feels like shit. No way to sugarcoat that one.
When I don’t get a response, I feel any one or combination of the following: ignored, unappreciated, unnoticed, unimportant, stupid, lame, desperate, foolish, ridiculous, angry, bitchy, vindictive, and/or sad.
Case in point: I had a really good sex about a year ago with a guy that was smart and hot and big and could keep it up and move in all the right ways and do it more than once in one night and not feel obligated to stay afterwards. Just the way I like it. Except that it didn’t last. And it didn’t last, I suspect, because of the responsiveness thing.
The way it was set up was that I would contact this man – we’ll call him Troy – whenever I was up for sex, and he’d respond with whether he was available. At least, that was my understanding. What actually happened was that after we had sex the first time, he spent the night (which I sometimes find a little annoying, but was actually nice in this case). When he left in the morning, he said, “Yeah, just text me anytime.” What I heard was, “I’m up for it whenever, just let me know.”
So I did. I texted him a few days later proposing Monday night; he asked whether Tuesday worked instead, and we were on. We thus had two spectacular encounters before running into a snag: I texted him on a Thursday asking what his weekend was like and whether he was free Friday or Saturday late night. Only …
… he didn’t text back. All weekend. Into the next week.
Fuck. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Thoughts running through my head: “He doesn’t want to see me anymore.” “Maybe he missed the text.” “I’m confused.” “I wonder if his phone broke.” “What if he didn’t think the sex was good?” “I feel like an idiot for texting – why did I do that?” “Dammit, dammit, dammit.” “God, I wish I hadn’t done that.” “Maybe I’m not good in bed.” “Oh, God, I’m bad in bed!” “Oh God oh God oh God!”
Thought that probably ran through his head upon receiving the text: “Oh, I’m not free Fri or Sat.”
Note that I said THOUGHT that ran through his head, one not FOLLOWED UP with by a communication of any kind. No response. It wasn’t that I actually cared if he was busy. I didn’t need a yes, I just needed a response. “Sorry, not free this wknd. Next wk sometime?”
That would have been nice.
Instead, about a week later I texted him again, mostly because I was curious as to what had actually happened, rather than the unproductive circles being danced around in my head. I said, “Hey, did you get my text last weekend? J” (smiley included so it couldn’t be interpreted harshly, like “HEY, motherfucker, did you get my motherfucking TEXT last week, or WHAT??” which was … well, just a teensy bit what I meant). Anyway, he texted back, “Yeah, sorry, I was busy last weekend.”
Or something like that. I can’t remember because I then deleted both the texts and his number. I know enough to know that if he had still be interested, he would have said something else.
So let me explain something in terms of how I conceptualize male and female brains. I am a big fan of the law of 80/20, and I believe that the vast majority of women operate in a world that is comprised of 80% emotional decision-making and 20% logical/rational.
And when I say ‘decision-making’ I mean, well, pretty much everything: how we interpret what other people say/do to us, how we interpret what we say/do to others, whether to date someone, whether to break up with someone, what to have for breakfast, etc. Men, on the other hand, operate in a universe in which approximately 80% of their decision-making (and world paradigms) are made on the basis of logic/rationality, and 20% on emotional content.
That means that roughly 40% of the time (or 80%, depending on how you look at it), THERE ARE MAJOR FUCKUPS. Seriously, if life were a highway, we’re talking about semis piled up on the side of the road on a bridge over which several are still dangling, mangled and bloody with mutilated remains. That is how far the misunderstandings between men and women go. Is it me or does it feel sometimes that there are literal chasms between us? Based on the rate of divorce I’m gonna go with, I’m right.
The point is, the way Troy responded (oops, I mean, DIDN’T) was completely rational from a man’s point of view. In his world of “logic,” because he wasn’t available that weekend, he didn’t respond. And in actuality, this wasn’t illogical, especially because upon reviewing my actual text to him, I saw that there was no actual question. It was more like, “Hey, what’s your wknd like? I’m free Sat and Sun there’s a hot tub party if u wanna come.” So if the actual question was, “What’s your weekend like?” and one’s weekend was busy, one could easily forget to respond, because the upshot would be the same: I can’t meet up.
But on my side, I felt stupid for reaching out and getting no response. And of course, underneath ‘stupid’ is usually ‘angry’ and underneath ‘angry’ is almost always hurt.
Let's get freaky in my teepee.
Let's get freaky in my teepee.
So guys, please respond. You can call us or text us or email us or BBM us or send us a singing telegraph or fricking smoke signals if you want, but don’t – please don’t – leave us hanging. You’d be staggered at the amount of sex women haven’t had with men simply because the men didn’t respond. It wasn’t even that that didn’t respond satisfactorily – it was that they straight up didn’t respond.
Don’t be that guy. Be the guy that communicates, even if you don’t do it perfectly.
