Courage

I feel a little lame. I recently met a cute guy – correction: a really cute guy – and left without any way of getting in touch with him.

I lacked the balls.

We were in that classic scenario where you meet someone attractive at Starbucks, but you’re not sure exactly how to escalate. Similar to the street approach, there is almost no way to do it without being extremely obvious… which you’d think, for a vixen, I’d have down.

I met a guy at an acting workshop once with whom I played an extremely subtle version of footsie for the entire day. At the end of the workshop we were chatting just before I was about to leave and I looked at him for a moment before saying, “Yeah, I’m gonna give you my number.” Later, he said he loved that I informed him of this, that I had the confidence to just know (and believe) he’d want it.

To me, it was obvious. I knew he was going to ask for it and I knew I was going to say yes and I had places to go. I was just speeding up the process. Unfortunately, with this recent cutie, I wasn’t so swift.

I was already sitting at a table when he came up and asked if the neighboring table (with absolutely nothing on it) was free. I looked up, surprised, and found myself gazing at one of the cutest guys (albeit a bit young) I’ve seen in a long time. “No, I don’t think so,” I stammered (when I really should have said, “Nope, it’s wiiiiide open. *Wink*”).

As it happened, there was also a little bit of water on his newfound table, which he glanced at with an unsavory expression. I offered him my napkin (yes, I’m that chivalrous). He replied (even more chivalrously), “Wouldn’t dream of it,” and went to fetch his own. And upon his return, he dropped an extra napkin onto my table, like a little offering. I smiled.

Then he procured a chair, because obviously he was with someone. A girlfriend, I thought dejectedly. But then why be so flirty? He was a puzzle.

A guy friend, as it turned out. The guy friend wasn’t nearly as cute as the original guy, but he was a bit better at engaging me. First he told me my boots were cute, and we had a brief exchange about how I got them at a thrift store. Then we all sat there awkwardly for a while, me on my laptop but acutely aware of the two of them next to me, the two of them attempting to carry on a normal conversation while acutely aware of me at the next table.

Finally, the friend asked me what type of laptop I was using – another useless question but a good opening, and we discussed that for a moment. Unfortunately, by this point, I was pretty stressed. I was late to an appointment and had therefore offered my table to a rather regal looking woman who had come forlornly to our section. That meant I had to go, so I started to gather my things. I at least managed to ask the cute guy whether he was a writer, since he had a notebook open and nothing else (no smartphone, no other distraction). He was also writing with a small calligraphy pen, which was intriguing, and I told him he had nice penmanship (true).

But that was it. For a long while, while I was sitting there stressing out about wanting to talk to him but also needing to go, I considered leaving my card with him when I left. I would have said, “If you’re single, give me a call sometime.”

But I chickened out. I wasn’t sure whether that would seem too forward (probably not), or whether he had a girlfriend (possible, but not probable – at least not one he was into!). So I got my stuff and left, looking back twice – a wasted effort, since he was facing in the opposite direction of the door. His friend could see me looking, but the cute guy couldn’t. And the whole time I was leaving the café I literally thought to myself, “Chase me, chase me, chase me, chase me.”

Now, this boy was clearly interested in me. He broadcast his energy; he asked me an asinine question just to get me to notice him (“Is this seat taken?”), dropped an extra napkin on my table, and jumped at the chance to talk to me. So why didn’t I act on it? What was wrong with me?

Part of it was relative shock that someone that goodlooking would think I was cute back. Part of it was that I had a busy schedule that weekend after which I was moving out of the city. And part of it was that I didn’t want to come across as too “aggressive.”

What!? Me, afraid of being aggressive?

Hmm.

The last time I gave my number out unsolicited was to a flirtatious bartender after I’d had a few drinks. He was cute, I was drunk, and he definitely seemed interested.

He never called me. I was left wondering whether he was ever actually interested in the first place, or whether I was just another notch on his belt, so to speak (if that were the case, though, wouldn’t he want to actually notch it up? It’s an enigma.) At any rate, a part of me questioned whether it was the same with this boy, that I was just a to see whether he could snag me.

Another part of me got sucked into the doubt that I suspect plagues a lot of women who want to ask boys out but aren’t sure if they should: What if asking him out is actually a turn-off?

I, like probably a lot of women, have heard that men like to take the initiative. They like to be the ones that chase, and they like the feeling that they’re the ones in charge. I’ve also heard that a woman who comes on too strong can be unattractive, as if her being the forward one turns the tables on how the script is ‘supposed’ to go.

And yet, somehow I doubt this. I think most men would be thrilled if a woman asked them out, especially if it was in a genuine way – not in a power trip kind of manner. In fact, I wish it were done more, because then women get a firsthand view of how terrifying it is to do it, and men would have to contend with the inevitable issue of having someone you’re not into, put their heart on the line and ask you out.

Ultimately, my fear of being perceived as aggressive wasn’t the deciding factor. It was more like all three added up: my pride, telling me not to put myself out there because it might be a hoax just to see if I would; my reason, telling me I literally had NO time that weekend and was then leaving the city; and my judgment, which judged him as inexperienced for not knowing what to do in the situation, and had me wonder whether he’d know what to do in other situations…

And yet, I don’t actually think any of these arguments have particularly strong legs to stand on. I don’t really think he was just trying to see whether I’d bite. I don’t really think that just because he didn’t know how to smoothly ask for my number means he wouldn’t be smooth in other situations. And I don’t really think he would have thought me overly aggressive if I’d left a card. In fact, I think he would have been thrilled. I also think he’s probably kicking himself that he didn’t do something more, just as I am.

I’ll never know for sure.

I feel slightly ashamed about this but mostly curious about the underlying question: What do men actually think about women asking them out? Is it a turn on or a turn off?