So I joined the online dating site OKCupid. Mostly out of a sense of adventure, but I’m also open to meeting someone to date, or just for casual sex. I haven’t really made up my mind yet.
This site, like most, allows members to send each other messages after checking out profiles. Now, I don’t mean to judge, but the truth is we all judge when we go on a dating site. And some of the messages I’ve received … well, see for yourself [names and other bizarre but identifying characteristics have been modified to protect the hapless — I mean innocent]:
From Vishnu86346:
This was one of the top results for the google image search "virile." Apparently The Hulk meets The Scarecrow is someone's idea of a super macho avatar. Whatever. I'd do him.
No offense, but that is not really what I’m looking for there, Mr. Non-Native Speaker. I’m on a dating site. I’m looking to date, not make friends. Also, you might want to rethink your vocabulary choice… virile is usually a word we reserve for things like pirates… and oxen.
Next!
“Hello There;
You’re very beautiful and sexy. I liked also your profile….
I will be in NYC a few weeks later. Do u maind to talk on Yahoo Messenger or MSN MessengeR?”
I don’t maind chatting before we meet up, but I do maind your questionable spelling and grammar tactics … not necessarily most notably but most perplexingly, what’s up with capitalizing There in Hello There?
Next!
Menage a Trois? Bonjour and Shalom 🙂
Your profile shines bright on so many levels and I wanted to first compliment you on your wit as well as on your looks.
My lover approached me with the proposition of adding another female to some of our passionate rendez vous to expand our sexual horizons a bit and add some more spice into our very delicious mix..
Now we’re talkin’. I’m sorta been there, done that in terms of this right now, but I do appreciate the offer. [Side note, this was actually from a Frenchman! – what are the chances of being propositioned for a ménage a trois from an actual Frenchman?? C’est incroyable!]
(photo by Mycael)
Next, from gooday4u:
“you seem interesting to me what is your birthdate”
First of all, I thought only chicks looked up astrological compatibility… guess I was wrong. Secondly, don’t you think we should, you know, meet once before you go doing my natal chart?
Next, this message was titled, “need to take a breath,” and one can only assume he was referring to his reaction after reading my profile:
Sexy, sincere, steamy, surreal…..I feel like I just bit into a complex piece of sushi, with every bite a new flavor, a new sensation, just when I thought I’ve experienced it all, I read on and there is another explosion of sensation….quite amazing.
My first thought upon receiving this was, this guy reminds me of someone… someone I saw in a movie… someone who really appreciated food, who lived in Paris… Wait a second, I think I’ve got it! He reminds me of the guy from Ratatouille!
Hold on. Wasn’t he a rat?
Next!
This one was titled “=O)”
Just to give you a heads up on the favoriting dealie, read your profile through and determined that you may very well be a cool cat, but that’s all speculation. A conversation would be nice, meeting up over coffee tea or hot cocoa would be rad too, given if we spark =O)
Is this really what you want me to be picturing? ... Ever?
Is this really what you want me to be picturing? ... Ever?
OK, first of all, the “favoriting dealie?” Who are you, a 9th grade girl? Second, “cool cat?” Who are you, a 1920’s-jazz-musician wannabe? Third, hot cocoa would be “rad?” Who are you, a bitchin’ surfer? Finally, what’s with your bizarre smiley? It looks like it has a clown nose! Sorry, 9th grade Fats Domino wannabe surfer, I think I’ll pass… I have a feeling we just wouldn’t have that ‘spark’ that you so astutely reference.
This next one honestly freaked me out a little:
Oh my GOD. [My real name]? How funny to have stumbled on you on a dating website! Anyway, hi, this is [random kid from college I haven’t thought about in ages], I live in Connecticut now. And you look great, btw![Random kid’s name]
Whoa. Not even sure what to do about that one. For some reason I feel like dating sites are like Craigslist: you don’t want to run into people you know… ever.
Next!
Titled, “Hi”
hi nice Lady you did attracted me from the first look ,,, i do like your hair & your attractive eyesthis is [his real First and Last Name] … I’m from Cairo Egypt .
I’m working a Production Director for movies & Programs .
i do like to travel .. i visited USA more than 5 time the last i was in Kirkland Seattle .
i can come there just for have a date with you 🙂
have you ever been in Egypt ?
Jmr
First of all, if you’re all the way over in Egypt, would you seriously fly to NYC just for a date with little old me? Except, see, you should wish I was old, because you’re old, and then we’d be in the same age bracket and maybe I’d consider having you fly halfway around the world to go out on a date.
Right, cause no pressure there.
Next!
“Hi. I enjoyed reading your page. I would enjoy talking to you and see were it may lead. So shell we try and see?”
Shell we dance, while we’re at it? Perhaps down by the seashore?
From Synaptic_du:
“Looking for a meditation partner, too?”
No. And not sure why I find this so creepy. Perhaps it’s in part due to the fact that you have the idea of synapses in your handle.
From JT-98:
“Your gorgeous. Very down to earth. And sound like someone id like to really get to know. How would you feel about datin someone younger then you?”Look, I don’t need someone with PERFECT grammar – I really don’t. But c’mon, you gotta know to put an apostrophe in the middle of I and d to make I’d … like, seriously? Also, I already feel like I’m in the south when you say, “how would you feel about datin’ someone younger?” How would you feel about datin’ someone with mad syntax skillz?
This next one was on the instant messaging feature:
n8nishd: Do you believe in communication through body language or voice?
n8nishd: lol ok, my dad once healed a TV for it’s bad reception when we were in my native Indian village 🙂
n8nishd: are u there?
n8nishd: i think u r and u r just shy!
n8nishd: i believe i have captured you actually
n8nishd: ttyl! more fun stories later
You bet.
From JustAwesome:
“Found any favorite places to dance yet? Anyways, a female friend and I thought you looked like you could be a lot of of fun. She’s a cute blonde who likes similarly feminine women such as yourself. I can provide you her okcupid profile if you’re interested. Think you can handle two attractive people? ;)?
Photo by Shiny Things
This is awesome. My second threesome proposition on OKC. I’m on a roll.
From mrtdtb:
“I find myself attracted to the older more mature sexual woman. I am very experianced in pleasing them. Then i saw you and thought what a fun experiance we could have together. ;)”You know, I’d actually consider this… It doesn’t matter whether someone can spell if they’re proposing no strings attached hanky-panky. Plus there was no apologizing for his sexuality; he was playful and flirty but direct – just right. After all, I did list casual sex as one of the things I’m interested in in my profile.
OK, then there was a guy whose message was short and sweet, referenced things from mine and seemed totally together… until I saw his photo:
Wtf, dude? You look like a scary magician! Like the kind that really WOULD saw the girl in half!
What’s particularly weird about this is that you have other, more normal photos on your profile. Someone needs to tell you to switch up the order. Seriously. I didn’t even feel like it would be compromising your identity to put your picture here because it (apparently from your other photos) looks NOTHING LIKE YOU.
Next guy, same thing — in his message he said good stuff, had good questions, was curious about me. Except for his pic:
What’s up, Get Smart? Here’s what’s up: the fact that you wanted people to see you like this is one thing; the fact that you took this yourself in front of your bathroom mirror takes it to a whole new level.
Look, I’m really not trying to be bitchy. It’s just that when guys put up photos like this, I can’t take them seriously enough to actually go on a date with them. It’s hard to work up an attraction for someone for whom I feel the same as those little poodles that people put sweaters on: “Aw, cute… and no fucking way I want one.”
The upshot of all of this is that I remain unconvinced about the utility of online dating. Has anyone else had spectacular results? Does it actually work?
