The Street Approach

The other night I had a dinner lined up with my close friend Veronica. Now, Veronica has quite the work schedule: “busy” doesn’t even begin to describe it. When we can grab a free hour together, we’re giddy. And we have a lot to cover: usually everything from the past week, which for two single girls in the city, means a lot.

As we were booking it to the restaurant, Veronica was “approached” by a guy on the street – meaning he walked alongside us, then literally asked her, “You from around here?” She proceeded to answer, and what followed was an exchange that I can only describe as … thorny.

He kept asking her questions and I kept repressing my resentment until I couldn’t stand it anymore. Then I said, “Listen, I don’t mean to be rude, but we’re on a date here” (referring to me and Veronica). I linked my arm in hers to hint that we wanted him to leave.

Omg are you still here? (photo by welivefast)

He didn’t get it – or did but ignored the sentiment – and after another moment of him telling her she had a pretty smile, I said, “Look, I really don’t mean to be rude, but she and I have very limited time together. Our time is precious.” She didn’t really and I didn’t know how else to say it: leave us alone.

He wouldn’t quit, though, which made it extra funny/annoying when he asked Veronica her name and then paused before answering her question back to him: “What’s yours?” His reply (I swear) was, “Oh, whatchamacallit … it’s A.C.”

Yeah. Nothing to inspire trust like stumbling over your own “name.” Wtf … is that your name? Or your alias? It further irritated me when it came out that he was from Peru, so his name was probably something “complicated” like Alejandro Cucaracha … except that Veronica and I have spent years of our lives living in Spanish-speaking countries. She and I have both worked hard for our fluency in Spanish, and him assuming that we didn’t know how to pronounce something super complicado like Alejandro sure didn’t win any points.

Hey, Cliff, I think I really got a chance with this one! (Photo by cliff1066, originally from Saturday Evening Post)

His persistence had us giggle in sort of a 7^th-grade-we-are-leaving-you-out type way and be generally obnoxious, which didn’t feel great, but I don’t think either of us knew exactly what to do. I felt particularly bad because I’m always talking about the need for men to be forward, and here he’d had the guts to actually talk to my friend. At the same time, I was irrationally angry: I was out with my friend and I really wanted to talk to her, not stand there and listen while she was hit on. The conversation was vapid anyway, and not going anywhere better. We finally crossed the street to get rid of him and when he asked for Veronica’s number, she declined. We quickly resumed our conversation.

On the one hand, I respect this kid quite a bit. He approached a woman on the street (difficult) who was with her friend (extra difficult) and even when we acted unfriendly, he stuck it out and made it all the way to the end (super extra difficult). He must have a thick skin, and this must work a certain percentage of the time. On the other hand, it was not the most positive boy interaction I’ve had in the past week, and I’ve had my fair share of boy interactions!

Photo by Gwen

Look, here’s the truth: it’s really hard to do the street approach. Especially somewhere like NYC, because people are going somewhere – usually in a hurry. They’re not really in the mindset to meet or talk to people. It’s even hard sometimes at a bar. I’ve had similar interactions with men trying to talk to me when I’m with my friends. I don’t mean to be rude (seemingly a theme), but sometimes I go out somewhere to be with my friends, not to meet new people. My friends and I have busy lives and if we’ve managed to make it out to a wine bar or even just a dive bar, it might be because we really want to catch up with each other.

The street approach is also stressful for both parties. On the getting-the-number side, you’re trying to ‘prove’ that you’re worth something, which doesn’t usually leave you relaxed and at your best. And on the giving-someone-your-number side, you’re trying to evaluate your interest level not to mention the safety of the situation in an absurdly short amount of time: is this person going to become a stalker? (seriously – it’s a real concern) Am I even interested enough for it to make sense for me to give him my number, or is it going to be one of those situations where I keep blowing him off because I’m still learning how to just say, “I’m not interested?” The person is not vetted by any social standards, like being friends with my friends, so it’s more difficult to ascertain. Plus there’s none of that getting-to-know-you-as-a-person time, which can sometimes change level of attractiveness.

That said, it definitely can be done: I’ve been approached in this way and it has been great. But it takes a high skill level to make it work. You have to be very comfortable with yourself and relaxed, otherwise she is going to sense your stress, nervousness, and anxiety and it’s not going to feel good. It also helps if you are making an astute or interesting comment about the environment – like saying something about the crazy person on the street, genuinely noticing something you like about her outfit, or suggesting a particularly good microbrew if you’re at a bar. Talking about the moment always works, as long as it’s a genuine comment, not a forced one.

... like cheerleading! (Photo by UW Digital Collections)

So if you want to meet more men or women where it’s not as difficult, I humbly suggest that instead of attempting to hone your street approach (or bar approach), you do things. Interesting things.

That’s right: time to bring back extracurricular activities!

I notice that when I’m doing an activity, like blues dancing, attending a lecture on dating, or even going to religious services, I’m more receptive. I’m usually not there with a friend that I’m wanting to connect with one-on-one, and there isn’t that crazy pressure to either get or give someone a phone number.

So find activities where you can get to know people without all that pressure, without the need to ‘make it happen’ so to speak, right away. If you’ve always wanted to take sign language for the hell of it, find a class. If you used to play ultimate Frisbee in college, see if there’s a city sport sort of team thing (in NYC, Zog Sports). I’ve heard kickball is a big thing now. If you’re into meditation, go to a meditation class/studio. If you’ve always wanted to take tango or salsa, do it! 

Tango has the added benefit of poses like this...

This has the added bonus of likely adding to your regular friend network, and leaving you feeling more connected to your community and happier in general. Try for things where you see the same people over and over, like a dance class series, not just a one-time thing. Actually do this – something new – and see what happens. I’ll bet it’ll open up more than just your dating pool.

And for God’s sake, if you are hell-bent on mastering the street approach, at least tell her your real name. Even if she can’t pronounce it, at least she won’t end the interaction thinking you’re a boludo.